During my weekend between UZAZU week 1 and 2, I went home to my parents house. Though I am far from thinking I’m anywhere near enlightened, this quote by Ram Das is always in my mind when I get to see them:
“If you think you are enlightened,” Ram Dass said, “go spend a week with your parents.”
Even though sometimes still I spin into great depression when I’m about to, or am, visiting with them, the bottom line is I know my parents are great. Awesome. They rock. When they’re at their best my mom and dad are just awesome people to be around and have around. They’re both loyal, friendly, warm, caring, thoughtful and more. And they’ve given me so much, which I’m super grateful for.
That said, I’m always growing, and my relationship to each of them is always opening up. This last weekend was miraculous, again. I had dinner Saturday with my dad and spent much of Sunday daytime with my mom, connecting to each of them at new levels.
One thing I learned, as I listened to my own loving lectures to my mom, was something about respect.
I learned very concretely that we can’t respect someone we’re evaluating. If you do this, you get my respect. If you don’t, you don’t.
I saw in myself more clearly the tendency to respect someone when they go above and beyond what I expect, and that to do what I expect they should do does not earn my respect. That my unconscious expectations of them could run how well I connect to them, relate to them, and let them be adequate to their own experience rather than forcing them to fit to mine.
Wow. That’s a recipe for a whole lot of nada love.
I remember that as I grew up surfing in southern california that my friends would often say things like, ” I used to respect that dude, but now I can do what he can do and he’s no big deal.” Hmm. Does comparing lead to connection?
But I also know that there are people and things I love and respect that has nothing to do with evaluating how they’re meeting my expectations.
Going deeper still, I could feel it’s possible, and easy even, to deny someone else respect if I can’t respect my own results, effort and intentions.
This is HUGE. And this dysfunctional practice of respect is so much of the culture we swim in, isn’t it?
So let’s cut the crap. So what to do? Here’s what I’ve done and it rocks. The cool thing is that you’ll realize you already do this with people you genuinely respect, and don’t with people you think don’t deserve respect. I think the truth is this: no one sucks.
Better put…everyone rocks on their own terms.
Here’s the challenge:
Pick anyone in your life. (prepare yourself, you’ll find this harder with some people than others)
- Find in yourself some respect for who they are, not what they do. That’s Joe…cool…
- Acknowledge something they do do well, in their own terms and not your terms. Don’t stop at just one. Let it roll, the more, the better your day! Joe really cares about his job…that rocks for him…
- Feel appreciation for your own efforts each day, and in theirs. I really love how I’m up to great things, and I love how Joe is too. Rock on!
Have fun! Let me know how it goes.
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