I can’t do it. I just can’t care for an imagined newborn version of myself. Before you judge me as an uncaring coach, can you imagine holding a baby version of yourself and fully caring, loving, and adoring it?
I’ll spare you the details, but I can’t do it just yet. Something about not wanting to be responsible. Not caring. There’s more to say, though I think I’ll leave that between me and myself right now.
What I’ll share is that during our second resonance practice to end Day 4, I felt connected in an abstract way to everyone else yet I was left asking, “what should I feel?” as if I just didn’t get it. The heartfelt sense of caring that seemed so palpable to everyone just didn’t enter into my being. Not that I didn’t ask for it.
So much for that. It would have been easy to just leave the room without so much as a Californian “later dude” to anyone. I know. What a jerk!
What I’m trying to say is that after an hour of practicing caring for others and being good to them for their sake and my sake, I just couldn’t cut the cake. I wasn’t caring. At least not for any significant amount of time.
What I did realize during the process was that I *should be caring. I stepped from not having any idea to having the right idea without the feeling. Call me crazy but it was a big step! I knew by the end that I should be feeling something, that some big love was seriously lacking, and boy was there a big block.
I could have left I didn’t leave. I vowed to step up to this opportunity. I wanted to know how to open my heart and had a feeling that it would take more than a few backbends to get this specific.
For how else could I open up fully to my clients, my friends, my family, and my wife? It seemed like my entire life depended on this.
Hours later, it still does.
So I worked with Dylan. He shared insight into power, trust, and how boundaries create containers in which we can be safe. We talked about upbringing and yes, we checked my memory and in my experience I was lacking trust. Until I get a something straight, I’ll keep flipping into thought and judgement and imagination every time I try to resonate and care and connect.
So what to do?
That part, I’ll leave from this story and simply say it had to doith meditating on a baby version of myself.
Who it turned out I didn’t care much about.
I think I have some work to do. Day 4 down now, and 14 do go.I’m here to make this happen and more. I trust it will.
Now it’s your turn:
who or what do you desire to connect with most, and seem to be just shy of actual heartfelt connection?
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